A Beautiful Life

Sometimes your plans just don't quite work out.

Despite having all your ducks in a row, despite planning ahead as best as you could, things still go sideways, unexpected snafus pop up. I like to control my situation. I like to plan as much as I can ahead of time so that I don't have snafus popping up, but there's not much you can do to avoid problems popping up when you least expect.

For someone who likes controlling a situation, I sure do pick odd vehicles to get me where I want to go, quite literally. My 1972 Winnebago Brave might not seem like the most reliable vehicle to most people. On my first Brave trip (in my '73 Brave, back in 2010) my very first day found me stranded on the side of the road, 300 miles from home in the middle of nowhere, Alaska. Oddly enough, that was the only vehicle trouble I had on that entire 11,000 mile journey. Yesterday, on my first day out on this trip, before even making it a mile from home, I discovered a flat tire that set us back 3 hours. And then I had to get new propane tanks because mine were too old to fill. And a new house battery to power the lights in the Brave. And then today upon testing our water system, all the faucets needed new plumbing. I'd be lying if I wasn't stressed out. I coined the term "Strungry" today because I wasn't Hangry, I was just stressed and hungry and maybe actually extra stressed because I was hungry? I digress.

Things didn't go according to plan. But, like the seeminly undetangle-able knot of necklaces in your luggage after a trip, we eventually fixed each problem and will be back on the road tomorrow.

I'm always impressed with how, even when things don't go the way I think they should go, they still work out. Instead of throwing hands in the air or curling into a fetal position, you just have to start slowly detangling each necklace. It can be tedious, frustrating work at time. Sometimes you cut the pipe that works instead of the broken pipe and have to patch a perfectly good pipe. Someone did that today and her name definitely doesn't rhyme with Miz Borrow. Nope. Keep detangling. One necklace free, alright, keep detangling.

Life is a beautiful mess.  And I don't believe life as a beautiful mess means making our messes look pretty.  It means looking at the mess around us and recognizing the beauty in what it is.  Curated "messes" aren't authentic, though they can be inspiring, but ultimately I think they can make us feel inadequate.  

I cannot wait to meet our gorgeous Wildbrides today!  We still have space at the next retreat, Feb 12-14th in Monte Rio, CA just a short drive from San Francisco.  If you want to give a "fuck yeah" to your wild messy spirit with a wilderness photo shoot and a weekend with no obligation to be anyone but your messy, beautiful self, we would be so honored to have you join us.  Our first retreat is sold out, and space is limited in the remaining retreats so don't wait too long if you want to commit coming into the Wildbride family.  

The mess is part of the beauty.  The problems are part of this beautiful life.  Today our first Wildbride Retreat starts.  For me, Wildbride feels like part of this celebration of messy, wild, tangly existence we lead as women.  It isn't about poses with your booty popped out at just the right angle to give you dat ass.  It isn't about nipping and tucking with photoshop, or getting that perfect Tyra Banks smize.  It's embracing the mess, and discovering the crazy beauty that lies within that space.  It's sacred.

the banks of the seine

I took a bunch of fun outfits to wear in Paris, but I actually ended up wearing pretty much just one outfit the whole time, and this is it.  I did so much walking and in the end I was way more interested in being comfortable than fancy, and I had no one to impress anyway.  I planned a styled bridal photo shoot while I was there and I took just one carry-on because I was not interested in having Delta loose my bag full of the entire wardrobe for my shoot.  It was a Françoise Hardy inspired shoot and so one of the big pieces was a giant faux fur coat similar to the one in her iconic photos, but a shipping error left me running around Tacoma last minute scrambling to find something that would fit the wardrobe.  My friend Brooke from Urban X Change pulled through last minute with one of her vintage coats, and since I didn't have any room in my bags for any other coats, it was my daily coat for walking around Paris.

I had some pretty bad jet lag that lasted almost the entire time I was there, so the morning of these photos I was up at like 4 am and decided to head down to Notre Dame and watch the sunrise over the cathedral.  It was pretty cloudy, so it was more like watching it go from dark to dim, but still a moving experience.  I sat there for a while taking it all in, but my style shoot was later that morning and I wanted to scout out some spots to shoot.  These photos were actually test shots to see how the light in Paris looked on camera (magical, duh).  Notre Dame in the background?  Still so crazy to me that I was standing right there one month ago.  

These are the only photos I took of myself in Paris, other than a couple selfies.  Even though I'm over outfit photos, I'm so glad I took these shots of myself in Paris.  Even having forgotten my tripod in my room, I found some stuff to set my camera on so I could have some shots of my tourist self standing in front of the Cathedral Notre Dame on the banks of the Seine.  It's kind of funny having taken self portraits for 8 years for my outfit photos, self portraits come so naturally in terms of subject matter.  I started doing a 365 photo challenge and while ideally I'd love to do more photos of other people, it's fun to do self portraits in a more artistic and interesting way, rather than taking them with the idea of showing my outfit.  It feels like reclaiming ownership over my self portrait, rather than having it be for a commercial use.  Maybe I'll share some of my 365 photos here (my photos of Dusty and Dan were actually some of my 365 challenge) but I'm enjoying just doing them for fun without pressure for them to be for anything.

Dusty's Snow Adventure

Dusty got a pretty little snow coat from her grandma for Christmas and after seeing how much fun she had in the snow when we got a light dusting last week, I figured it'd be fun to head up to the mountains and play in the snow with her!  I always miss the snow this time of year too, so it was probably as much for me as it was for her.  We drove up to Snoqualmie Pass and found loads of it! She had a total blast and her Pendleton snow coat was perfect!  With all her fur, I'm sure she was the warmest of all of us.

I'd never stopped at Snoqualmie Pass, only just driven through on I-90, but it was so nostalgic driving through the little ski resort town full of A-frame cabins with roofs piled with snow.  For whatever reason I had a vivid memory of an 8th or 9th grade birthday party sleepover at one of my friend's family cabin in Girdwood, AK right at the base of the Alyeska Ski Resort.  It was all giggling, watching scary movies, talking about boys, and sneaking around in the snow in the middle of the night.  Crazy to think that was 16 years ago now. I'm probably closer to having a kid that age than being that age. Yikes.

"i am going"

When people ask how my trip to Paris was, the only thing I can say that is truly honest is that it was a lot of things.  and many of those things weren't positive, but no one really wants to hear that.  They want to hear that you had the time of your life and you didn't want to leave and that it was magical.  And maybe for some people it is, but for me, this time, it wasn't.  

I love travel.  I feel pretty pro at travel.  Growing up in Alaska going anywhere meant flying there.  Or road-tripping for about a week.  My first solo flight was when I was in 6th grade (I think) and I was so used to flying that I didn't realize that traveling as an unaccompanied minor was different.  I filed off the plane with the rest of the passengers, met up with my mom at the gate and we went on our merry way until the panicked flight attendants caught up with us and confirmed that I was leaving with the proper guardian.  I've flown to countless cities and road tripped from Alaska to Florida and back to Washington State solo.  

With international travel, though, I'm not as experienced.  I went to Guatemala once with a group in high school, but I don't really count that because we were mindlessly shuttled around and I didn't have to figure out a thing.  It wasn't for lack of desire.  I was all set to attend the American University in Cairo for a month during college but my passport with my student visa didn't arrive in time for my flight so I cancelled the whole thing (a boyfriend also may have been involved in my lack of wanting to leave home too.  Lame).  Since I had to cancel that flight, I was able to re-book a new flight and arranged to go to London, which I also didn't do, for reasons I don't remember but I have a suspicion have to do with that boyfriend.  Years before that my entire family had a huge trip to Europe planned, but the day before we were set to leave my grandma got in a car accident that nearly claimed her life and so the entire trip got cancelled.  

So, when I found a super cheap flight to Paris a few months ago I heeded the words of Clarissa Pinkola Estes in Women Who Run With the Wolves, "'I am going' These are the best words ever.  Say them, then go."  I booked the flight for my birthday and re-upped my passport.  It felt like something I needed to do.  Travel in the US no longer pushes me out of my comfort zone, and I needed to get out of it.  I needed to prove to myself that I could.  That I could do something brave.  I knew that a lot of the things I do, like traveling solo cross country in a 1973 Winnebago Brave, look brave to outsiders, but to me felt squarely inside my comfort zone.  International travel, though, that was new.  And definitely outside my comfort zone, in what a friend once called the "growth zone."  

I researched like a crazy person because I like to be prepared, tried my best to re-learn the french I used to know in high school, and waited with so much excitement that at times I thought I might explode.  My husband Dan drove me to the airport that chilly morning, and I kissed him goodbye and got on the plane.  

It was hard.  I'm a solid introvert, but being in a foreign country alone, not being able to speak the language, with no one to share the experience with was difficult.  The jet lag was brutal, and I didn't do a lot of the things I thought I would just because the language barrier gave me a lot of anxiety.  I spent half of one day hidden in my Airbnb watching Netflix and crying.  After some encouraging words from friends I pulled it together for my last few days in Paris and released myself from the pressure of having The Best Time Ever.  I read my book in a cafe while enjoying my petit dejeuner, walked around the Musee D'Orsay, and ate a nutella filled crepe under the Eiffel Tower.  I realized that I didn't have to fit everything into this one trip.  I didn't have to have The Best Time Ever, because there would be other times to come to Paris.  I could come with Dan or a friend next time and be able to laugh and talk and share everything with someone.  

I'm glad I went.  I feel like I broke through whatever it was that was keeping me from traveling abroad.  And I feel like I opened myself up to the universe, letting it know that I my passport was broken in and ready to go.  I already have tickets to Iceland and Ireland (and maybe Paris again) for 2016.  Elizabeth Gilbert writes in her book Big Magic about ideas being sentient beings on the lookout for people who are available and willing to take them on.  One of my dreams for the next year, as both a photographer and a human, was to travel more both domestically and internationally for work and self-enrichment.  I was tired of waiting around for it to happen to me, and this trip to Paris was my stake in the ground.  "I'm here.  I'm ready to go.  I've got my passport in hand!"  Like being a good host for a creative idea, I feel like you need to make yourself available and ready for those big dreams and not in a sitting around and thinking about it way.  Like a, "Hey Universe!  I'm on a flight to a place farther away from home than I've ever been.  Your move!"  And as soon as I made that shift, the Universe felt like it shifted a bit too.  Doors started opening.  Little ones, but ones nonetheless.  So even if my trip to Paris wasn't the Most Magical, Best Trip Ever, it was a little flag that I waved to the universe letting it know that I was open for business with my bags packed.  And my comfort zone is a little bit bigger too. 

"I am going" those are the best words.  Say them, then go.